Sunday on a Monday!

I can’t wait to be a mother, not that I’d be noteworthily good at it…I still enjoy the small taste that I have of it now! It’s almost enough to make me want to move over to Africa (after getting my PTA) to help Katie Davis (the Amy Carmichael of Africa) and start my own orphan filled family, I mean, there is nothing more imposing than looking at a child and knowing that they are your own to love and cherish, however; so what if they scream and yell all day long and sometimes at night to…The lack of sleep is worth it because you are helping that child grow up and will hopefully one day give them to The Ultimate Father who can do so much more for them than you ever can! On that note, because of that if they say they hate you that’s okay too! I look forward to the Joys of Motherhood with all the unpleasant things like changing poopy diapers and cleaning up puke and having to discipline. They are not that bad… It’s nothing I haven’t done before. Even if I’m a housewife on top of everything, I will thrive and jubilate midst the chaos and confusion! Like Paul says, “…for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.” And of course,” I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”  LoL I know this sounds bad but even if I never get married I still intend to be a mother, adoption is so nice that way! One can even adopt little tiny frozen embryo’s, little snowflakes J, experiencing “true” motherhood with out the whole awkwardness of finding a sperm donor or for that matter, …Food cravings and morning sickness sound absolutely wonderful! I’m not being sarcastic when I say that!  I agree that if a woman is called to be a wife and a mother, and a keeper of the home it is a good thing. When she does and how she does it is what we can disagree on, Proverbs 31 is a great guidebook to follow tho’ !

FINALLY! and my favorite sunday Song, a little late! (and a little slower than I like but hey!)

I’ve been thinking a lot about what’s been wrong in the past six months or so. I’m starting to see a trend…Someone made realize me a few days ago, the problems that I am dealing with now have been there, from when I was younger, only lately has anyone noticed them and because of my age decided to correct it.  Someone told me a few day ago that I needed to take control of my situation and being under my parents roof gave me a fail proof crutch to lean on if I screw up…Yeah, Think I Know that but meanwhile while I’m making those “mistakes” I’ll be miserable because of the different privileges taken away. However, retrospectively, when you make mistakes aren’t you supposed to feel miserable because of the natural consequences of your actions? I think I’m getting closer to what’s wrong and my end goal of getting that fixed but life keeps throwing me curveballs,.

                In the “shallow little beauty” news, I now have fixed the last thing that drives me nuts when it comes to my physical appearance. You can lotion and tweeze and conceal most things naturally, however when it comes to nails there is not a whole lot you can do. So I finally broke down and “got my nails done”. Just kidding, I went to Target and bought a five dollar “French nail” kit, so far so good. They look surprisingly like real nails. Thank God! I was tired of having crappy nails that chipped even if I was trying to wash my hands! That’s so vain of me I know, and reminds me of something one of my friends said. I can’t remember who it was that said it or how exactly they said it…maybe I read it…But anyway they said how they hated when girls who were gorgeous and pretty kept putting themselves down and saying stuff like “Oh I’m so ugly” or “Oh, I’m so fat” and expecting others to agree with them. I don’t know why I thought of that, maybe it was J-bird during one of our 2 in the morning talks…I’ll get back to you on that one!

                Going through all the books I got out of our Church Library, again, I found some interesting things in a book called “What the Cults Believe”. The Unification church’s doctrine says that the Holy Spirit is a female. She is the “second Eve” if you will, that almost makes sense, the bible talks about Jesus being the second spiritual Adam and recompensing Adam’s sin. Therefore, there should have been a second spiritual Eve, the sin of humanity started with her, not Adam, after all. Now that I’m thinking about it, was that Mary’s role? I don’t know.

                Finally I am getting everything I need for Civil Air Patrol.  It’s a lot of fun, and yes, I did do it in my nails and no they did not break off and yes I got yelled at and told to file them. Other than that all is going well, even when it comes to collecting my uniforms! The supply closet was down to nothing so the officers finally broke down and ordered everything imaginable new! I’ll get my blues next meeting! So happy!

Sunday Again!

Winters’ spell, numbing

Grey, blue and blinding white

All warmth snuffed out

Replaced with that which is becoming

Colder than ice, The blanket of snow smothers my screams

As my chilled hands cease to shake

With the deadly quiet growing louder and louder

With the trees and my heart cracking beneath the weight of it all

With no sign of spring coming, the eternal winter

I’ve lost all hope and with it my humanity

I am cast in stone,

A frozen statue waiting

For the warm life-giving breath to wake me from my indifferent slumber.                                                                                         

         Yes, I’m very proud of this personally written poem. It still needs a title. I’m thinking about A Fauns Perspective of Life. I found out I’m an inspired writer and this was from rereading “The lion The Witch And The wardrobe” I love C. S. Lewis and his space trilogy and if they make it into a movie they better make it good and not some spin off of the general themes. See if you can figure out what I’m saying, it’s very sappy and a bit melodramatic. But I like it!

                So last Friday night was a little traumatic. We were having a family bible study. Which normally I enjoy but that night I just wasn’t feeling up to a large bunch of screaming kids all in the same room and a bunch of stressed adults trying to keep them down. Plus after working for 35 hours a week and late nights takes a toll on one’s body. I did have some Math home work to complete for that week and I didn’t want any left over for the weekend. I was already grumpy and kind of gave my own. Something along the lines of well what exactly will I lose? The answer was you won’t go into work tomorrow. I was very upset and lost my head and went for a long walk without telling my parents. I was bawling and muttering all sorts of dire threats to humanity in general. I was, thankfully, prevented from doing anything majorly ridiculous (except sending out another unthoughtout  e-mail) by my “mentor lady” The advice she gave me was not what I wanted to hear necessarily but it did make sense.  However I did go home and I was able to go to work on Saturday. So Right Now the Plan is just to hold on and try to rise above the situation as much as possible. My job, Civil Air Patrol, and School when it starts in January will help some with the everyday stresses. Staying with my parents. The only trouble I’ll  have is well…I’m in a quandary about whether I want to do a gap year between My graduating High School and The P.T.A degree and work in D.C. to get my foot in the Art community or do I want to do a 3 month figure out who I am kind of thing at the Rowe Center. It’s a work/study kind of “spiritual” retreat thing…I totally want to do A video blog of my time there and turn it into a documentary of sorts. I still need to call them and see how that would work. I know for sure that I want to do the Navy but just not sure how I should go about it…The corpsman is looking good, only problem is that the A-school for it is in Michigan where I’ll no doubt freeze. The college I had wanted to go to does not have ROTC and then there is the whole reserve option. So yes I am confused and trying to figure out all of this. To make it even more confusing it all depends on what my best friends are doing. I mean how far apart to I want to be from them now and what if I want to be close to my extended family…Oh, it is a royal mess! But we shall overcome!

Angels every where and my Les Miserables favorite serious song

 I’ll never understand life in general. I don’t think it is humanly possible, we’ll never fully know untilll we get to heaven. Then we will have all of eternity to wrap our finite minds around all the complexitlys of life and the great mysteries of God. I know I have so many questions to ask! One thing that’s been bugging me lately is: are angels just white? I know they don’t have genders or at least that’s what Billy Graham said in his book aptly enough “Angels” One of the many wonderfull books I got from our church Library.

Sunday Reminising II

 On Sunday, my day of rest and contemplation, I went through all my journals from the past three years or so. It didn’t take as long as I thought it was going to, mostly because most of them were not more than a sentence or two. I had made this card, I think I was trying to practice my cursive, with Ecclesiastes 6:11 on it “the more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit any one?” Some things really struck me about the journal entries that I do have is that: they are so dumb and I found it hard to believe that I wrote them. I mean some of the things weren’t bad…but just so callused and rude. Okay so I guess that is bad… Another thing that slapped me in the face was how blind I was to a lot of things. Like I had this quote in my ‘’thought folder” from “waiting for her Isaac” (written by Mrs. and Mr. Steven Castleberry) that says, “As she looked back over the last few years, she realized that moving to Kanesville had many positive effects on her life. For one thing it broke her dependence on her friends. She had learned to love to spend time with her family and serve them. Also, it and forced her to come to grips with obedience and following the will of her father (as well as her heavenly father), instead of selfishly following her own wishes and desires.

                She also thought about the changes that her accident caused. Beth could truly say now she depended on the Lord Jesus Christ for all things in her life. Her leg was not improving as much as the doctors had hoped. She was going to limp the rest of her life, and might even become crippled again later in life. But the mighty God of the universe knew her needs and would provide for her according to his holy will. No, she was no longer alone. The only time she had been alone was when she was trying to accomplish things in her own power-then she was truly alone and helpless.” It’s funny that I should have written that down as being something meaningful to me when I was 12 years old. I think I must have hit my head at some point and lost my morals… I was trying to figure out where I went wrong, and coming across that made me think,” why didn’t I take myself more seriously?” It might have had something to do with the 10+ Justin Bieber stickers I had on the front and back (and inside) I don’t know I’m still trying to figure that out. But it’s odd that I picked that quote because of the fact that we may be moving to “the ghetto” and my Dad’s job change and all my relationships changing. I need to really now more than ever take this quote to heart, and lean only on God and trust that he will work everything out in his perfect timing. Even though it may not make a lot of sense to me at the time and may be painfully I need to turn my eyes to Jesus and look only on his wonderful face. That sounds so cliché but its true and a lesson we could all benefit from. (I’m not aiming that at anyone in specific just something that’s been impressed upon me and wanted to share.) 

                Le Miserables was awesome! I had the best seat ever! The Second row all by myself, well not entirely… I was sharing it with some good childhood friends. I didn’t cry until the barricades and at the very end, when Jean Val Jean is dying, I was sobbing. I mean really sobbing! My shoulders were heaving and the tears were flowing so much so that I completely soaked the handkerchief my neighbor gave me. I could not control it! I hadn’t cried that hard since my grandmother died. My row mates were very sweet and asked if I was okay afterwards. I even got a hug from little E (my friend’s four year old sister who is adorable!) Extraordinarily while I was recovering from that, I ran into a friend I had not seen in years! Or rather his mother, He didn’t recognize me until his mother said, don’t be rude son, remember…? Kind of statement, then his mouth dropped and several flies flew in before he shut it. O for a snapshot of that moment!

                Last night I played airsoft urban style, while it was fun I have thirty welts (three of which bled) and a very large bruise on my leg. “How”, you may ask, “did such a sweet girl like Leah get a bruise from playing airsoft? Wouldn’t all you do is stand in the corner and watch?” Standing in a corner isn’t always safe. I was surrounded by the entire other team in a room with the one player left on my team. I had a pump shotgun and He had my brother’s automatic (don’t ask me the fps, I don’t know) He said, “Close the door and I’ll get in this far corner and you get in the one by the door and when they come in we’ll bust them” Well great plan kiddo, if they were going to open the door normally. However, they decided to use a large wooden bench as a battering ram! I hear, “Oh let’s bust it in!” and a lot overeager voices assenting. I start to panic and forget to move my foot away from the door; I had it there to prevent them from opening the door, until I heard the sound of a large something being dragged across the floor. By then it was too late, everything began to move in slow motion as caved in and splintered with a resounding crack. That’s when the bullets from nine guns began to hit me and I began screaming I’m out I’m out I’m out at the top of my lungs. But for some reason none seemed to pay attention. That may have been because they thought I was still shooting when it was my partner in the corner shooting, or trying to shoot (I was in his cross fire) the others. Needless to say I am in Pain.

                But as promised here are some of the songs that meant the most to me this week in church.  Enjoy!

Long time coming.

                Over thinking is never good. I’ve been doing way too much of that lately and I need to stop worrying about every stinkin’ little detail. Things will work out just like with my Raven Queen Outfit. The dress I fell in love with is too expensive for me to get right now (on my min. wage Budget, at least that’s what my mother says), I think I’m going to have to start working at Chick-fil-A, they pay 7.75 an hour and it’s on the bus route so it’s better that way too…But I went over to a friend’s house a couple of days ago.  We went through her moms closet getting rid of things that didn’t fit anymore. It was so much fun! I got a ton of clothes! My friend’s mother saved all the dresses from when she was my age and I now have this gorgeous dress that I’ll be wearing to all formal events and this black sequin thing that’s a bit short but I’ll be adding to the hem a bunch of feather boas so that I’ll have a long train of feathers and…yeah I’ll include a picture of it when I’m done fixing it all up. I can’t wait until it’s time for our trunk or treat! This time I’ll not be so worried about spilling something on my dress and freaking out because the dread pirate Roberts seems to be stalking me. Now I know he is, just kidding, no one has ever stalked me…yet…yeah let’s move on, shall we.

                 I was going through a pile of books and I found a really good one. Well, I guess that isn’t anything new really. Anyway, the book is called Poems And Songs Of The Civil War. (Edited by Lois Hill) There are a lot of sad ones. Mostly about “our Brave Boys on the battlefront” but you have a few happy ones here and there like, “The Pride of Battery B” and “I was with Grant”. One that I’m currently obsessing over is “just Before the Battle Mother”. I really need to stop reading it; every time I do my mascara goes everywhere because I’m crying so hard. I have no idea why though. Maybe it’s because I’m going to join the navy in about two years. I don’t think we’re going to have all the troops out of the Middle East by then

And I’ll most likely get sent on deployment. I’ll include it so you too can weep.

                     Just Before the Battle Mother

                                George Frederick Root

Just before the battle, Mother,

   I am thinking most of you,

While, upon the field, we’re watching,

   With the enemy in view.

Comrades brave are round me lying,

   Filled with thoughts of home and God:

For well they know that, on the morrow,

   Some will sleep beneath the sod.

Chorus-

   Farewell, Mother, you may never

   You may never, mother,

   Press me to your breast again:

   But O, you’ll not forget me,

   Mother, you will not forget me

   If I’m numbered with the slain.

Speaking Of the slain, there is a pilot(s) down in West Virginia. They have search and rescue out for him even as I write this. The emergency beacon do-hicky hasn’t been turned on for some reason so they are having a harder time locating him. It turns on automatically after “extreme disturbance to the body of the plane” I don’t really know what happened in details, just that some our boys were out doing search and rescue all yesterday and got back tonight.

Sunday Songs of my Rhodes Heritige